Discovering Ruth

Overcoming Jealousy

Denise was recently asked for advice concerning jealousy. The woman said, “Please, give me advice on how to fight jealousy. I am really jealous concerning my husband. I once had a reason to be jealous, but do not right now. The jealousy hasn’t gone away, but stays and spoils our relationship.”

Denise responded: Jealousy is a horrible thing, and we do not want to have that in our hearts. Jealousy can just eat up our peace and take our joy. And if it takes our joy, it will take our strength. So we don’t want to embrace jealousy in our hearts.

You said that there is no reason for jealousy now, but you are still tempted to be jealous. If you are struggling with the temptation to be jealous, I want to remind you of this: When we do something over and over again for months, it becomes a habit — it’s habitual. Feelings of jealousy can be habitual. If jealousy is something we have chosen to take part in again and again, in the same way we decided to take part in it, we can decide we are no longer going to take part in it.

But sometimes that is easier said than done. You might be saying, “Denise, that sounds really good, but practically, how do you do that?” So I want to help you with a way that you can get rid of that jealousy. Second Corinthians 10:4 says, “For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds.” Our weapons aren’t carnal — worldly or earthly — but they are powerful in God. So what are our weapons? The next verse tells us: “Casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ.”

Do you see how you are involved in keeping jealousy out of your heart? You must not just let those thoughts of jealousy enter your heart and mind as they have before! Second Corinthians 10:5 says you have to cast down those jealous thoughts and bring them into captivity to the obedience of Christ.

In other words, you have to believe that God lives in you because the Bible says that “He who is in you is greater than he who is in the world” (1 John 4:4). This means that with the power of the Holy Spirit, you have the strength and ability to keep those thoughts from entering your heart. So when a thought comes, saying, Oh, I’m afraid. My husband is looking at someone and he’s interested in her, you can speak to that thought and say, “NO! No devil, I am taking hold of that thought, and I am pulling it out of my mind.” That’s what the Bible says to do! If it helps to act it out and use your hands to pull that thought out of your head, do it! Just know that you must be involved! You must bring every thought into captivity in order to guard your peace, a gift from Jesus Himself (see John 14:27).

So when a jealous thought comes, what are you going to do? Are you just going to let it stay there and then think about it over and over until it becomes a stronghold in your mind? Not if you want to be free from it! You must take every thought captive! You should open your Bible and read Second Corinthians 10:4 and 5 and say, “I bring every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ.”

The Bible is saying you can do this — you can bring that thought down. You have the power, and you have the authority! You have the name of Jesus, the blood of Jesus, and you have a covenant with Him. You have Him living inside you. So do what the Bible says to do and say, “No, devil, I am bringing that thought down. I am bringing that fear down. You are not going to bring me into torment and bondage again.” And when you do that over and over again, you are bringing down that stronghold.

Isn’t that powerful! For people who don’t know the Word of God, their marriage can be wrecked by jealousy, but you have the power to bring that stronghold down and strengthen your marriage as you keep your eyes on the Lord.

There is one other thing: If you have not forgiven your husband for things in the past, you need to forgive him. The Bible says in Matthew 6:14 and 15 that if we forgive others, our heavenly Father will also forgive us. But it also says that if we don’t forgive others, He won’t be able to forgive us. And the Bible says we have the power to forgive because the love of God has been shed abroad, or poured out, in our hearts by the Holy Ghost (see Romans 5:5). So it is not your goodness or your great personality that empowers you to forgive; it is only the love of God inside you that helps you forgive others. So let me make it really clear — if you need help forgiving, ask God to help you and be quick to yield to the love of God in your heart and forgive others quickly as you purpose to obey God as an act of your will.

I have a little book called The Gift of Forgiveness, and you can order it online at Renner.org. I recommend that you get it and read it because it will help you to be quick to forgive and pull down those thoughts of jealousy, resentment, or ill-will, or whatever it is you’re struggling with. Friend, God wants you to be free!

Denise was asked: Is it okay for a Christian to have sex outside of marriage? (Is it possible to live in a civil marriage?)

Denise’s answered, “I know that in this world we live in, some may say, “Oh, I have a partner,” “Oh, I am living with somebody,” or “Oh, we love each other.” Someone might even say, “I’m having an affair.” But the Bible has a word for sex outside of marriage — it’s fornication. And just because the world decided to give it another name or society decided to change how it feels about it, that doesn’t change what the Bible says. The Bible calls it fornication.

Hebrews 13:8 says, “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever.” God isn’t changing. Society changes, but God doesn’t change. God has rules, and His way is the right way. God is not trying to keep you from having fun or enjoying life or being independent, but He IS wanting to save you from heartache — even disease.

When people try to find their soulmate by sleeping or living with a person before marriage, many of those relationships end in heartbreak and some of those people even get diseases. God has set up a way that protects us, and that way is to stay sexually pure before marriage.

I can tell you from my own experience, that I never had a physical relationship with another man before I married my husband. I do not have any difficult memories that I have had to try to forget because there aren’t any memories there. I just have this one relationship that I’m able to pour my whole life into — and have for more than four decades and counting.

You see, when there is a covenant — a commitment to one another — God can give you something wonderful. That’s what marriage is about. It’s not about, “Well, I’ll try out this partner for a while, and if it works out, then we’ll get married. But if it doesn’t work out, I’ll try someone else.” That’s not God’s way. It’s not the best way, and it’s not the healthy way to build a good marriage.

First Corinthians 7:9 says, “But if they cannot exercise self-control, let them marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.” If you are a Christian and are living with somebody, there is no condemnation in Christ Jesus. But when we give our life to Jesus, we give Him our whole life. That means our life no longer belongs to us — it belongs to Him. So we need to treat it with the utmost care and respect.

Denise was asked: As a 70-year-old woman, what can I do for the Lord in this season of my life? I live mostly at home. My children have their own lives and I do not see them often. I also have not been able to find a church in my area.

Denise’s responded:

“Well, this might be the greatest season of your life to pray. And if you’ve been following God, then you have some wisdom to offer younger women. Pray that God would open a door so you can help someone younger than yourself. Always have an attitude of wanting to help.

And be sure to not embrace a place of loneliness. Ask God for avenues to help you find a place to worship and have fellowship — that source of information may even be your next-door neighbor. If they don’t have a church, then either find something online or ask someone if they want to study the Bible together, but you need to have some kind of fellowship. Don’t embrace the attitude, “Well, I’m 70, so my life is over.” NO! Don’t believe that lie! Now is the season of life when you have something to give. Be diligent to find that place and give it.”

Denise was asked: Should we set goals for the new year and sum up the last year?

Denise’s response: I set a goal for myself recently, and I have already started working toward it! I became convicted about my body needing to be stronger. You know as we get older, our bodies are not going to get stronger by accident. They only get stronger by doing something on purpose. And so I set a goal to exercise — on purpose — every day. Physical exercise is so good for you. It is good for your mind; it is good for your mood; and it is good for your body. So I think it was a wise decision for me to start exercising.

And, of course, Pastor Rick and I want our ministry to grow. I want my program, TIME With Denise, and School of Cinderella to grow. When you have something that’s valuable to you, like a precious plant, for example, you absolutely want it to grow. And so my goal is to do whatever I can to help these precious responsibilities that God has given me to bear fruit and grow.

Maybe you need to do something for the relationships in your life. For example, if you want a friend, you have to be a friend. Maybe you need to open your heart and say, “I want a friend in this new year!” or, “I want to be kinder to my children” or, “I want to do more for my grandchildren.” It comes down to a decision that we do these things on purpose. The Lord is gracious that He has given us another year. He has given us breath in our lungs so we can press forward into this new year.

Don’t just write down your goals and then put them in a drawer somewhere. If you are really serious about it, write down your goals every day. If you really want this and you’re serious about it, you have to add some energy and push toward the fulfillment of those goals. And it really helps you if you write down a strategy. Write: “This is my plan for the day. I am going to __________.” And then the next day, do the same thing. If you’ll do that for 21 days, even scientists say that you can create a new habit.

You have a new year before you, so say, “God, what do You want to do with me this next year? I am alive. You are in me! I want to do something this year!” And if you ask Him to help you, then this year won’t be the same as last year.

This past year was very difficult for so many because of the serious things that are happening on the earth. Maybe someone you know died or maybe you lost your job. Some very real and very serious problems and situations happened this past year. Some people have said, “This was the worst year of my life.”

Last year was one of the most important years of my life because of being quarantined and having more time on my hands. One thing I have gained through this time of quarantine, and seeing what is going on around the world, is that there is an urgency to know Jesus better. We all need to understand Him better, to know His character better, and to know what He thinks. And I know that the only way to understand Him better, to know Him more, and to hear what He thinks is to spend more time with Him.

I am not talking about time spent with Him out of obligation — not “I read my one chapter so I can check it off my list” time. Someone once told me, “I really don’t get much out of the Bible.” And then that person asked me, “How do you get so much out of the Bible?”

I answered, “It’s because I’m desperate. I am desperate to know how to live. And I know that in this Book and in His presence and through the Person of the Holy Spirit, I am going to understand more about how to really live, and I am going to have the power to do it.” But it’s not just about me or you being strong — it is about being able to help someone else be strong. These are the things I’m thinking about for next year.

We are living in a time that we never expected — an invisible enemy came to kill people we know, to cause us to lose our jobs, and to make us weak and sick. None of us knew this invisible enemy was going to come. But the Bible says that in the last days, pestilence will come. Pestilence means diseases, so we need to know how to be strong against the attack of pestilence.

Look at Matthew 7:24-27: It says, “Therefore whoever hears these sayings of Mine, and does them, I will liken him to a wise man who built his house on the rock: and the rain descended, the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house….”

Don’t you feel like that? Do you feel like rains are coming, the wind is blowing, and storms are coming against us? But these verses continue: “And it [the house] did not fall, for it was founded on the rock. But everyone who hears these sayings of Mine, and does not do them, will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand: and the rains descended….”

You see the rains descend both on the foolish and the wise. Verse 27 concludes, “And the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house: and it fell. And great was its fall.” Jesus is saying that if you want your house to stand when the storms come, you have to build your life on the Rock.

Are you one who would say, “Well, Denise, I know that you are a strong Christian, but I don’t think of myself like that. I think I just need more of Him.” But to know His Word is to know Him.

The Word says that we need to know and understand the height and the depth and the length of His love (see Ephesians 3:17-19). So when we learn about the love of God and how much He loves us, that means that the storms can come, the winds can blow, and the floods can rise — but because we have experienced the love of God, we can say, “I am not moving from this place. I am not moving from this Rock. My life is founded on this Rock. I am not moving from here.” When you know how much He loves you, you want to stay in that place. It’s going to keep you on the Rock. And that’s going to keep you strong.

I believe that there are many blessings waiting for us this year and in the new year. God hasn’t run out of blessings. And in His name, I bless you right now. I speak a blessing over your finances; I speak a blessing over your health; I speak a blessing over your relationships. I speak a blessing over your job and favor wherever you go. I hold the blood of Jesus over you! And I speak the Word of God over you that no weapon formed against you shall prosper (see Isaiah 54:17).

Make a commitment to spend more time in His Word this new year. Write down your commitments, practice them daily, and get ready to receive more of His blessings for your life.

Denise was asked: Why is it important to read the Christmas story?

Christianity is a miracle from beginning to end. It starts with a miracle because Jesus was born of a virgin. He did so many miracles throughout His life, and then He died a terrible death. Then another miracle took place — He was raised from the dead! Hallelujah! Then, in His glorified body, He was on the earth for 40 days and appeared to many people. He actually breathed the Holy Spirit on the disciples, and they became the first born-again believers — another miracle!

Afterward, Jesus was preaching to His disciples, and He told them to go and preach the Good News. And another miracle happened. As they were all standing there listening to Him, Jesus was taken up to Heaven! An angel appeared and said, “This is the same Jesus, and the way you saw Him leave is the same way He will come back” (see Acts 1:11). Then more miracles occurred as people started getting born-again and filled with the Holy Spirit. And the miracles continue because Jesus Himself is inside us so WE can continue His miraculous ministry.

And someday, oh someday, He is going to return, and He’s going to take us to Heaven with Him. And this is another miracle — He said the dead in Christ will rise first. So somehow God is going to gather all those who have died before us. The power of God will raise them from those graves, and the Bible says that afterward, we who are still alive will be caught up with Him in the air. Miraculous!

This is the greatest story in the world, and it all started on Christmas. So what an opportunity it is for us on this special day to say to our loved ones, “We are going to read the Christmas story!”

Rick and I read the Christmas story with our children when they were young, and now they read the story with their children. And when we all gather together, Rick and I don’t read the Christmas story — our grandchildren read the Christmas story to us!

I remember years ago when we had one of our first Christmas programs at our church in Moscow, and Pastor Rick was shaking hands with people as they exited the church. As one of the older men was leaving, he said, “I have never heard that fairytale before, but that was very nice.”

It was the Christmas story! This wonderful man had never heard the story of the miracle of Christ’s birth or of His resurrection.

I also knew a precious young woman in America named Ms. Edwards. She was about 20 years old when she started especially noticing all the Christmas lights, and this really big question struck her in her heart: Why is Jesus’ birth so important? Because of all the Christmas lights, she thought it must have been a really big deal that Jesus Christ was born. So she asked someone to tell her why it was such a big deal that Jesus Christ had been born. And this person said, “Oh, it’s because He is the Savior of the world. He came to free us from the grip of sin and death and to give us His righteousness and eternal life.” And at that moment, Ms. Edwards prayed a prayer to ask Jesus into her life. Her life was changed completely, and she began telling everyone she could about Jesus.

Whether you are a believer or not, you can find the heart of Christmas in the Bible. It says, “For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes on Him should not perish but have everlasting life” (John 3:16). Jesus came to earth for you. And Jesus came for me. He became sin for us so we wouldn’t have to suffer the consequences of that sin. And the Bible says if we believe on Him, we will be saved — just like Ms. Edwards.

Ms. Edwards didn’t know why there were so many lights on display at Christmastime. Why is this such a big deal? she thought. She didn’t know that it was the Savior’s heart to rescue man from being separated from God. She didn’t know until someone told her the story that Jesus came to earth as a baby to live among us so He could take our sin to the Cross that we may have eternal fellowship with God.

Oh, friends, Christmas is a powerful time! Take time to do something special with your family or friends. It doesn’t have to be expensive or elaborate but do something to celebrate the miraculous day of the birth of our wonderful Savior — and share the story!

Denise was asked: What advice would you give to mothers of grown children who want to know how to support, love, and pray for their children who are not living godly lifestyles?

When children are past a certain age (about 18 and older), you have to give them to the Lord. There has to be some kind of surrender of your heart: surrendering worry, care, control, manipulation, and anxiety. Exchange those unfruitful behaviors and emotions for trusting God — and you might have to do it every day, several times a day. If all you are doing is worrying about your grown children and trying to control them, you are stopping what God wants to do for them. And you aren’t able to deliver them! So the faster you discover that you can’t deliver them and that you need to get out of the way, the sooner God can work in their lives.

Of course you can’t excuse their sin or lower the standards, but you do need to continue to love them. Don’t judge them or condemn them. Let them know that you love them even though you don’t agree with what they are doing because if you don’t let them know in a civil way (not nagging) that you don’t agree with their choices, it’s not an honest relationship.

Denise was asked: When making decisions for your younger children, what helped you to trust that you were making the best and most godly choices you could make?

In John 10:4 and 5, Jesus said, “My sheep know My voice and a stranger they won’t follow.” I just had to trust the Lord that He was going to lead me.

When we were in Jelgava, Latvia, we wanted to get the boys into school, and so we found a Christian Latvian school. Well, the boys didn’t speak Latvian and they were just learning to speak Russian, but the school administration said, “We have English-speaking teachers, and we will make sure that your children understand. We promise!”

Every day for the next two months, the boys rode a bus clear across town to go to this school. One day when Rick was out of town ministering, Philip came home, and he was crying.

I said, “Philip, what’s wrong?”

He said, “Mom, the teacher called me stupid, and he said it was because I didn’t understand what he was saying.”

You can imagine how I felt. I had just spent two months of my children’s time and education and it was like a complete waste. I just felt horrible, I felt like I was a horrible mother, and I felt horrible for my children.

I was on the floor in my bedroom crying out to the Lord; He didn’t give me a solution right then, but He gave me His presence. Later, He impressed upon me that we needed to get our boys immersed in the Russian culture, so we found a Russian-speaking teacher. God led me to make that change in their education. I trusted the voice of my Shepherd — and I trusted Him to lead me.

Question: What is one verse you pray over your children?

Denise’s response:

I pray Isaiah 54:17 over my children and grandchildren: “ No weapon that is formed against thee shall prosper; and every tongue that shall rise against thee in judgment thou shalt condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, and their righteousness is of me, saith the Lord.”

And God gave me another promise found in Psalm 115:14: “The Lord shall increase you more and more, you and your children.”

Let me share with you how I received this promise. Rick was away ministering when our sons were young, and I was at home with the children. I was thankful for the open doors of opportunity to minister that Rick was experiencing, but I was missing him. One day I was praying, “Okay, Lord, so what about us?” I was wondering about the plans He had for the boys and for me. And He said, “The Lord will increase you [He was talking about me] more and more, you and your children.” And He said to me, “Denise, I am going to increase you.” And then He said, “And you can look right down to your children because that increase is going to come on Paul, Philip, and Joel. Just look for increase in your children because it’s coming.”

God promised He would do something in me, and I would be able to see the evidence of that promise when I looked at my children. It was a promise from the Lord to me! So I embraced that promise and began to pray this verse over them as well.

Question: What is one verse you pray over your children?

Denise’s response:

And God gave me another promise found in Psalm 115:14: “The Lord shall increase you more and more, you and your children.”

Question: I pray and I try to believe, so why don’t I see miracles and signs in my life?

Denise’s response:

Thank you for your question!

You asked this in a very interesting way. You said, “I pray and I try to believe….” You can’t try to believe just like you can’t try to make a cake. Either you are going to make a cake or you’re not. It’s your decision to make a cake just like it’s your decision to believe.

But the Bible can help you believe because it is the Word of God. Romans 10:17 tells us, “So then faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the Word of God.”

When you read the Bible and hear the Holy Spirit speaking to you through the words you read, it is putting faith in your heart. When you hear someone share a testimony, it has a similar effect. The Bible says in Revelation 12:11 that our testimony is so powerful, it helps defeat the devil. And when you hear testimonies of miracles, it builds your faith for miracles!

I want to invite you to watch my TV program TIME With Denise Renner. In these programs, I am always talking about miracles and the power of God because I believe that He is a miracle-worker! I have seen so many miracles in my own life, and I know this: God is the Miracle-Worker. He is the Healer. On the cross, Jesus’ flesh was ripped. The Bible says there was so much blood, and there was so much ripping of His flesh, that He was unrecognizable. Jesus took all our sickness and infirmities on His own body on the cross, and that healing- and miracle-working power is still in His blood today.

Can I be honest with you? I did not start out believing this way. Over time, my faith grew. When problems came, I chose to seek God, and He did miracles in my life. He brought healing. He brought deliverance. He brought peace.

The more you seek God, the closer He draws you to Himself and shows you who He is. So don’t be discouraged. Keep believing! Read God’s Word, listen to testimonies, and listen to sound, Bible-based preaching about God’s miracles.

Thank you again for your question and your honesty!