Discovering Ruth

Q: What advice would you give to a mother raising boys?

A: As a mother who has raised three sons into adulthood, I’ve learned a lot about child-raising — especially about boys — from my experience and the wisdom and guidance I received from the Lord. I adore my sons. All I wanted to do was to raise them right, but above all, I wanted our boys to learn to honor us. 

The Bible says if children honor their mother and father, they will have a good, long life (see Exodus 20:12). This is what encouraged me to appropriately discipline my boys — because I wanted them to honor authority. I knew if they grew up honoring authority, according to the Bible, they would have good, long lives. I was also confident in disciplining without anger. I rarely got angry when disciplining my boys because I knew they were only little children who just needed a bit of gentle correction and instruction to get back on track. 

Another thing about raising boys is to simply enjoy them! Children are amazing! Don’t get angry if they track mud through the house or present you with a creature they found while playing outside. By nature, children are curious, so let them enjoy their discovery of rocks, twigs, snakes, and lizards and embrace their precious curiosity! We’ve had creatures, plants, and rocks of all sorts in our home because we wanted our children to enjoy nature and embrace their curiosity. And we embraced it too!

The most important thing to instill in your sons, and in any child, is to show respect to their father. Whether you realize it or not, your own actions are building an image of their father in their minds. If you and your spouse disagree, you should discuss it privately and not in front of your children. They are looking to you as an example of how to behave and interact — whether you respect or disrespect your husband will determine the amount of respect in your children’s relationship with their father. 

I want to tell you about a time in my life when my choices toward Rick affected the way my sons viewed him and his involvement in the ministry. At the beginning of our ministry, we had our oldest son, Paul, Philip was just a baby, and Joel wasn’t born yet. The four of us traveled in a car together as a family, and I was ministering with Rick — it was such a joyful time! I didn’t care how small the car was because we were together, and that was what was important to me. But eventually, as our ministry grew, Rick suggested it was time for me to stay home with the children. Joel was about two years old at the time, so I stayed home to take care of him, Philip, and Paul. 

Now that I was a stay-at-home mome, it seemed that all I did was drive Rick to and from the airport! And because of how our ministry was growing, he would sometimes be gone for a week or more at a time. He would leave, return home for a few days, and leave again. After a while of this, I began developing an attitude, and I’d think to myself, I didn’t marry you to be apart from you! I secretly became angry on the inside without being able to discern exactly why I got so angry. I’d be angry when Rick got home and when it was time for him to leave, I’d get angry all over again. 

If there was enough time between Rick leaving and coming home, my heart would settle, but as soon as I knew he was coming, I’d get angry yet again. I couldn’t figure out what was going on inside of me. All I knew was that I didn’t like being separate from Rick  or being left alone — I wanted to be with him. 

One day I was seeking the Lord, and He directed me to Isaiah 54:2, which says, “Enlarge the place of your tent, and let them stretch out the curtains of your dwellings; do not spare; lengthen your cords, and strengthen your stakes.” When I saw this verse, the Holy Spirit kindly but firmly opened my eyes to two sets of attitudes I could choose to embody as a wife and mother. He said, Here is one set: anger, resentment, rejection, and depression; and here is another set: joy, peace, patience, and pride for your husband. You have to choose! So to the best of my ability — and I didn’t do it perfectly — I chose to embody that second set of attitudes. I stopped crying and getting angry and started having pride for my husband and his work in the ministry. 

Little did I know, this decision to stop giving place to anger and to start showing reverence and having pride and respect for my husband had a profound impact on my boys. Many years later, my son Paul paid me such a precious compliment during an interview. The interviewer said, “Your dad was gone a lot while you were young. Why is it that you don’t resent the ministry since the ministry is what took time with your father away?” Paul replied, “I have to say it was because of my mom.” 

You see, in the privacy of my bedroom, I made that choice to change my attitude. But I had no idea how the impact of that choice would do something so amazing in my sons and affect their attitudes toward their father for the rest of their lives. That is why I placed so much importance on honoring my husband, and I urge you to do the same!

If you make choices that honor your husband and lift up his image in the eyes of your sons and daughters, you’re doing your children a tremendous service — a service that will stick with them through their childhoods, and instill the priceless attribute of respect and honor that, according to Exodus 20:12, will bring and them long and happy lives.

Discovering Ruth

Q: What advice would you give mothers with young children about how they can spend time in the Word and prayer?

A: Every mother knows that once her young child is awake in the morning, that child needs her undivided attention almost every minute of the day. One answer to finding time in the Word of God and prayer is to make the time before your children are awake. But for new mothers who are busy feeding their children or nursing and rocking their babies, there’s no reason why you can’t rock your baby while praying in other tongues or thinking about a scripture that’s been on your heart. 

The key is, you have to do it on purpose. Most of the cares of the household and child-raising falls on mothers. You have to choose on purpose to do something to renew your mind with God’s Word (see Romans 12:2). Another reason for this is, if you don’t renew your mind while raising your children, there’s no overflow in your own heart and life to give to them. 

Your flesh will make excuses for not spending quality time with the Lord. So you must decide you’re going to fit the Word and prayer time into your day, and you must do it on purpose. 

If your spirit is being fed the Word of God every day, you’ll have something to give to others, including your children. For example, reading the Bible to your children is so important, as well as sharing with them what certain verses mean to you. And even before your children are born, you can read to your child who’s in your womb. And you can put your hand over your baby — because that baby can hear you — and speak the Word of God to him or her. You just have to do it on purpose; otherwise, you’ll wait until it’s too late in the day when you’re too tired, and your mind will make excuses. 

If you don’t make the Word and prayer a priority in your life on purpose, it simply won’t happen.

Discovering Ruth

Q: The Bible tells us in Proverbs 14:1 that as women, we are to build up our homes. What are the best ways to successfully build up your home?

A: According to Proverbs 14:1, you must have wisdom to build your home. It says, “The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish pulls it down with her hands.” The major difference between a wise woman and a foolish woman is that a wise woman takes instruction. Foolish people don’t want correction, instruction, or wisdom, but the wise value all these things. 

Personally, I know I didn’t always do everything right as I aimed to build up my house. But I was constantly looking for someone who knew more than me. I would watch those godly women — women I was very privileged to be around — and I would think about how I could apply the spiritual and emotional fruit I saw in them to my own actions, choices, and lifestyle.

When I started to get serious about marriage and building up my home, I began reading books, studying the Word, and submitting myself to that knowledge — because if you have knowledge, but you don’t submit yourself to it, that knowledge does you no good!

The book of James tells us what happens when we don’t practice this kind of submission. It says: 

For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man observing his natural face in a mirror; for he observes himself, goes away, and immediately forgets what kind of man he was. But he who looks into the perfect law of liberty and continues in it, and is not a forgetful hearer but a doer of the work, this one will be blessed in what he does. 

— James 1:23-27

In other words, if you look at yourself in the mirror and say, “Oh, I see what I need to improve on,” but you walk away and don’t do anything about it, you’re worse off than someone who doesn’t look in the mirror at all. You should continually look into the “mirror” of God’s Word and act on what you see. When you do that, you’re going to gain wisdom. 

It’s difficult to look at His Word on a consistent basis and not change! As you put in the work and you’re a doer of the Word you behold, the Lord will teach you how to build up your home. If that’s what you’re longing for, that is what He’s going to give you. The key is to be like the wise woman because the wise woman is seeking out ways to do what she longs for.

Discovering Ruth

Q: How can I have longevity in the ministry without becoming “burned out?”

A: There is only one way you can maintain longevity in the ministry without feeling “burned out,” and it’s directly related to your time with the Lord. Spending time with the Lord is the only way to prevent yourself from becoming burned out in the ministry (or in any profession), in your relationships, or just in life. 

During my time with the Lord this morning, I was reminded of Luke 10. In this chapter, Martha welcomed Jesus into her home. While Martha was anxious about preparing food to serve Jesus, Mary sat at Jesus’ feet, listening to Him speak. Noticing this, Martha approached the Lord and said, “…‘Lord, do You not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Therefore tell her to help me’” (v. 40). And Jesus replied, “…‘Martha, Martha, you are worried and troubled about many things. But one thing is needed, and Mary has chosen that good part, which will not be taken away from her’” (v. 41,42). 

When people teach Luke 10, most say, “Oh, Mary, she is the precious one and Martha is the anxious one.” But I don’t see it like that at all. If you look at verse 39, it indicates that Martha, at one point, did sit at the feet of Jesus. It says, “And she had a sister called Mary, who also sat at Jesus’ feet and heard His word.” So Martha sat at the feet of Jesus. But because of life — and life happens to us all — cares, problems, and situations come. These issues of life come to all of us — we can get anxious, distracted, and therefore burned out. The only answer to this problem is found in what Jesus says to Martha in verse 41. He gave her an invitation when He said to her, in effect, “Come here, Martha! Put the potatoes down.  Your favorite fig recipe will be okay. Sit down for just a minute. You only need one thing, and that one thing is ME.”

As I was thinking about this story this morning, I realized, All I need is to hear from Him! When you hear from Him, you won’t get burned out because your actions will come from a place of receiving from Him. If you do get burned out, it’s usually because you’re doing too much yourself. But if you stay in that place of hearing from the Lord, you are drawing from an eternal source!

There’s another wonderful passage on this topic of becoming “burned out” in Matthew 11:28-30, in which Jesus says, “‘Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.” 

Notice Jesus doesn’t say, “Well, I’m burdened down. I’m going to burn out!” He says, “My yoke is easy.” So if you’re burdened down, that is something you’ve taken on yourself because the Bible says His yoke is easy and His burden is light. That is how Jesus wants life to be like for you! Longevity in the ministry, or in any area of life, comes back to drawing from the Source, Jesus Christ.

Discovering Ruth

Q: For a young woman starting in the ministry, how can she best support her husband and build up her home?

A: Those are really big things in life — starting your ministry, supporting your husband, building your home, and taking care of your children. But usually, they come in seasons instead of all at once because each one of those things, but especially raising children, is a demanding responsibility. So you might find yourself in a season when you’re helping your children and doing your best to support your husband — but as far as your ministry goes, you might only be able to do a little bit in that season. 

That’s how it was for me. I wanted to do all those things — marriage, family, and ministry. But my children needed me. And although I wanted to travel in the ministry and be with my husband, there was a time when I needed to be home. 

That kind of conflict always reveals things inside you that need a touch from God, and that was certainly true for me. What often happens is, you decide you’re going to do what’s best and support your husband by supporting your children at home — but you don’t always feel supported yourself, and there will be times when it’s not always what you want to do. 

But making hard decisions to take responsibility and do the right thing is preparing your for ministry! When you are taking care of your children or supporting your husband — and sometimes that includes forgiving your husband for not understanding the depth of your sacrifice — you are doing whatever it takes, and it’s not wasted time at all. God is building you, and when the time comes for you to step out in the ministry, you’ll really have something to give. 

Just because someone wants to be in the ministry, and she thinks that’s the spiritual thing to do, doesn’t mean she has what God wants her to have to give to others. It’s when you go through some things and learn some things from Him, including what it means to sacrifice, that’s when you’ll really have something to give in the ministry.

Discovering Ruth

Q: What advice would you give to an unmarried young woman who is following the Lord’s call on her life but has a desire to be married one day? What can she do now to prepare for marriage?

A: First, there is nothing wrong with having a desire to be married. I didn’t get married until I was 28 years old, but although I definitely had a desire to be married from the time I was a young woman, no one taught me how to prepare for it. 

It’s important to prepare yourself for marriage. Before getting married, I wanted to be as complete in the Lord as possible. I wanted to know who He is and who I am in Him, because if we look to our spouse to complete us, we’ll find that he won’t be able to do that, and we will never be whole. 

Your spouse will want you to complement him, so you have to know who are and be ready to serve in that marriage as unselfishly as you can. Our flesh is selfish, and usually in a marriage, each person comes from brokenness in life. Then life comes, and you both have to face it together and help each other. And at times, you will feel like you’re giving and giving, and getting little in return. 

You might receive kindness from your spouse at certain times more than others. But that doesn’t change the fact that you’re called to show love, kindness, and unselfishness, realizing that you’re both imperfect people. Only walking closely with the Lord and understanding His nature, and who you are in Him, can help you prepare to live with someone else successfully in marriage.

Discovering Ruth

Q: How can I pray for my husband?

A: One of the main ways you need to pray for your husband is to pray for the protection of the blood of Jesus over him. The more I understand Scripture, the more I know to pray the prayers of Ephesians 1:15-23. You should pray that the eyes of his understanding would be enlightened and that he would know the hope of his calling. Pray that his eyes would be opened to who God is and who he is in God. That is one of the most powerful prayers you can pray. 

Ask God to protect your husband physically from danger. I always pray a lot about safety. You may have to pray prayers for God to forgive and have mercy on him. Pray that God would help those who help him. 

To be honest, sometimes I don’t know how to pray. When you don’t know how to pray, pray in tongues. You would always know how to pray if it were a perfect world. But it’s not a perfect world. So when you pray in tongues, you’re praying out the perfect will of God by faith. You’re allowing the Holy Spirit to intercede on your behalf, essentially praying the most perfect, powerful prayer for whatever your situation may be. 

These would be my general guidelines for praying for your husband. 

Q: How do I live with a difficult spouse who struggles with alcohol and is unkind?

A: There isn’t an easy answer to this question or an easy way to live with a problematic or alcoholic spouse because it’s not an easy situation to navigate at all. One thing is for sure: You can’t look to your spouse to fulfill your needs. When dealing with a spouse who is an alcoholic, it’s going to take forgiveness. If you need to forgive your spouse 490 times a day, as Jesus commanded in Matthew 18:22, that’s what you must do. 

Jesus clarifies that He understood our tendency to be tempted, to be hurt, and how much ability we had to hurt one another. So He knows how to navigate the most difficult situations — look to Him!

I have taught classes to thousands of women over the years, and because this is a classic situation that I have encountered time and time again in those classes, I can share three things you as a wife can do while living with a problematic husband. 

You might ask, “How do I look to God for answers? I don’t even know what questions to ask!” Here are several questions to help you get started. You can ask God for help with the following: 

As you seek Him out, He will show you what to do!

So many different women have taken so many different avenues. I know of a woman who received and celebrated her spouse as he was. And through her kindness and unconditional love, she absolutely won him over. He wasn’t her husband at first, but he eventually married her, adopted her child, became a Christian, got a job, and quit drinking! He didn’t turn his life around because she griped and complained about his behavior. He turned his life around because of her kindness and love. Love overcomes everything. Acting in love in the face of adversity isn’t easy, but it really does overcome everything. 

Another thing about living with an alcoholic spouse who is unking is finding someone you can go to and have a safe space with, even if it’s just for a few minutes a week. Since you’re experiencing the pressures of addiction at home, you need a safe, pressure-free space to go to. I like to call it “breathing a breath of fresh air.” There might be some joy and laughter and some coffee or tea, but you’ve got to have a breath of fresh air! You can find it with the Lord or find just a few minutes with somebody in a safe environment. Either way, find something to rejoice about with that person! And rest in knowing that while you’re breathing that fresh air, the Lord is working on your situation.

Denise was asked:  Why do Christians fall asleep in church?

Denise’s answered:

There are probably a lot of different reasons why Christians fall asleep in church. To be honest, I myself have fallen asleep more than once while my husband was preaching! But it wasn’t because I didn’t want to hear what he was saying — it was because I was exhausted and my physical body just fell asleep. I realize it can be embarassing to fall asleep during a sermon and I have done just about everything to try and stay awake — even pinching myself on the leg! But it’s not a sin to fall asleep in church. 

Some people fall asleep because of the tempterature in the room. For example, I fell asleep in our auditorium in Riga because we didn’t have any heat. We were all wrapped up in coats, hats, gloves, and scarves — we were really bundled up! My body was so warm, but I was breathing in the cold air around me. It was just like what happens when a mother takes her baby outside all bundled up. The baby’s body is warm, but once it starts breathing in the cold air, it falls asleep — and that’s exactly what happened to me in church that day. Although, I only fell asleep for a moment!

As I said before, some people fall asleep because they are simply exhausted. They might be physically worn down in their bodies, and it isn’t fair for us to judge them. Have you ever worked so hard that you didn’t get a moment to sit down, and as soon as you sat down in that chair and felt the peace of God around you, you fell asleep? You see, we can’t judge others, because we need to give mercy to one another. There are people who work hard all week long and young mothers who stay up all night, and the only time that they have had to themselves is when they are sitting there in that chair. So if you notice someone fall asleep in church, don’t judge them — bless them! And just keep listening to the message. 

Discovering Ruth

Denise was asked the question: Do my husband and I need to preserve our marriage just for the sake of our children?

Denise answered: I know that your situation must be painful, but I want to give you some equipment to help with this situation. Matthew 19:6 says, “…What God has joined together, let not man separate.” It’s wisdom to speak this scripture over your marriage! There is temptation all around us, and the devil wants to separate marriages. But when we speak the Word of God, we are agreeing with the Word of God, and, therefore, we are more able to believe the Word of God. When we confess Matthew 19:6, we are putting ourselves into agreement with the Word of God, and we are saying this marriage is what God has joined together.

For example, you can say, “What God has joined together — and He has joined my husband and me together — let no man separate.” Say it over and over again.

You must also realize that you are not fighting against your husband. You are fighting against the enemy that is fighting against your marriage. Jesus Himself said, “The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly” (John 10:10). It’s Jesus’ desire that we might have an abundant life, but the devil only wants to kill, steal, and destroy. The enemy is not your husband — the real enemy is the devil who wants to destroy your marriage.

Another great weapon that you have against the devil is to keep forgiving your husband. If the devil tries to bring up thoughts in your mind accusing your husband, you just keep taking those thoughts captive and say, “I forgive him. I forgive him.”

I want to encourage you to order my book called The Gift of Forgiveness. You can order it online at Renner.org. I believe this book will really help you. When we forgive, we destroy the weapons of the enemy. We close the door to the enemy, and we open the door to Heaven so that God can perform His will on our behalf.