Discovering Ruth
Q: I live with a man and have a son from my first marriage. He is not accepting of my son at all. He said he loves me but hates my son. What should I do? My son is growing up and is now reflecting the attitudes portrayed by the man we live with toward himself.
A: Thank you for your question! First, the Bible says if you’re living with a man who isn’t your husband it’s fornication. Someone recently said to me, “Well, it’s so popular now to live with someone you’re not married to!” I thought to myself, “People have been getting married for centuries. Who are we to decide it’s normal to live with a man you’re not married to!”
Besides just living with a man you’re not married to, you say he tells you he hates your son. You do not want to marry any man who tells you he hates your son! As a mother, you have all this nurturing protection and love for your son. So if you continue to live with this man, or even marry this man. What would you be opening yourself and your son up to? I’m choosing to answer your question with this question. You must make a choice. Ask yourself, “What am I doing? Am I making the best choices for me and my son right now?”
Your son came from your body and therefore, your son has a part of you in himself. How can this man say he loves you but hates your son, who came from you? If you’re a Christian, think about what we just discussed and ask God for help. Say, “God, I need your help and I need your answers!” Humble yourself before God and do what He tells you to do. God loves you, and we love you too. We want you to make the right choices for you and your son. We will keep your family in our prayers!
Discovering Ruth
Q: Dear Denise, my husband isn’t a believer and won’t let me go to church. That’s the only reason I’m not going to church right now, but on other days of the week, I’m able to go to home groups and regularly talk with my Christian friends. I don’t tell my husband that I’m doing these things. I’m lying to him and telling him I’m going to see my mother or somewhere else. When I tell him the truth, he doesn’t let me go to church. It’s so hard to live like this, what should I do?
A: It’s clear you desire to be with believers, and that’s a great desire. I can also clearly see your desire to please your husband. I want you to read a testimony I think will be very helpful to your situation.
A long time ago, there was a woman who loved God with all her heart. Her husband wasn’t a believer either, and he forbade her from going to church. He would say to her, “If you go to church tonight, I will lock the door and you’ll have to spend the night outside in the cold.” But she still went to church, and when she arrived back home, sure enough, her husband had locked the door and she spent an entire night outside in the freezing weather. In the morning, he got up and let her inside, and the first thing she did was make him breakfast!
This woman loved her husband, but she wanted to honor the Lord and knew that she needed fellowship with her fellow believers. I don’t want to tell you what to do, but I want to tell you who this story is about. This woman eventually won her husband to the Lord with her lifestyle of faithfulness to both her husband and Him. Her husband’s name was Smith Wigglesworth, he was an evangelist decades ago and ended up raising at least 7 people from the dead! What a miracle!
I want you to read First Peter 3:1, which says, “Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives.” Smith Wigglesworth would have never become the man he did if his wife never won him to the Lord by the conduct of her life. Again, I can’t tell you what to do. But you have the Holy Spirit in you if you’re a believer, and He can and will tell you what to do! John 16:13 says, “Howbeit when he, the Spirit of truth, is come, he will guide you into all truth: for he shall not speak of himself; but whatsoever he shall hear, that he shall speak: and he will shew you things to come.” The Holy Spirit is going to guide you through this situation and tell you exactly what you need to do. My team and I will be praying for you!
Discovering Ruth
Q: Please pray for me. I want to build my own family, but am not married. How should I pray and what scriptures from the Bible should I stand on in my prayers?
A: Denise’s Answer: Thank you for your question! I think you’re not alone with this question. Let me tell you about the testimony of a dear friend of mine. She was 28 years old when she came to me and said, “I want to get married. I’m going to finish school, but my parents are pressuring me!” As she talked, faith came into my heart and I replied, “You know what? We’re going to tell the Lord. But not by telephone — we’re going to call your husband to you by faith! The Bible says to call things that be as though they’re not. With this faith in my heart, I called her husband to her, and two weeks later she started a relationship with her future husband! They have been married for several years and have three precious little girls. So the answer to your question is faith! There is faith involved! Not just saying, “I wish,” or “It would be nice.” No. If you call out to God by faith, He will answer!
Irina Beyris’ Answer: There are a lot of girls who come to our church to listen to Pastor Denise’s teaching about marriage. Sometimes we have girls who come and aren’t even married yet, but they want to be married and learn how to be a good wife in the future. When I pray over these women and girls who aren’t married, God often puts a word for them on my heart that God will give to their husbands by their hearts. During one class, as the six weeks of teaching went by, the girls who were single started dating and started practicing everything they learned like how to respect their partners or how to ask for forgiveness. After some time, we would even receive photos of their newborn babies! I think it’s a good desire to get married, but you were also asking about Bible verses. There are a lot of verses that would be great to pray on about the topic of marriage, but by faith, I believe God wants me to give you John 16:24, which says, “Until now you have asked nothing in My name. Ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full.” I want to encourage you to ask and thank God, and your heart will be full of God’s joy! In this verse, He is ensuring and filling you with His joy. I also feel led to give you John 15:7, which says, “If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, you will ask what you desire, and it shall be done for you.” This is an important truth: If the Word of God abides in you, ask and you will receive!
Discovering Ruth
Q: Pastor Denise, what do I need to do if I feel spiritually empty inside?
A: What’s interesting about your question is that you asked, “…what should I do if I feel?” You will feel many things throughout your life, but I want to tell you something special about the Holy Spirit. When He came into your life, He came to stay. He came with His power and love, and even planted His fruits of the Spirit inside you — your joy, peace, petitions, and long-suffering — those are in your spirit! But your flesh, your mind, your emotions, and your will aren’t saved yet. Your spirit is but not your mind, emotions, will, or body. Therefore you’re going to feel things, and you might even feel emptiness. But if you’re born again, the Holy Spirit lives inside you! And you can use your spirit language to pray out mysteries through His power! Jude 1:20 and 21 says, “But you, beloved, building yourselves up on your most holy faith, praying in the Holy Spirit, keep yourselves in the love of God, looking for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ unto eternal life.” When you pray in tongues, you’re praying in the Holy Ghost, building up your faith, and keeping yourself in the love of God. That’s how you deal with emptiness!
Discovering Ruth
Q: I recently met a guy on a Christian dating app. He’s a Christian, and we have a lot of things in common — including the way we met Jesus. We have been conversing through FaceTime and texting for one and a half months. He’s serious and invested in our relationship. He tells me that he wants to fly to my city from America and wants me to meet his mother. We pray together and talk about God and many other topics. I’m concerned about this because he started talking about marrying me and moving to America very fast. Is this a good thing? How do I know if he’s my partner from God or not?
A: Deciding who you want to spend the rest of your life with is a very serious decision. Especially when you’re thinking about moving to another country to be with somebody — these are very serious questions, and you don’t want to make the wrong decision.
You need to know what you want. The part of your question that immediately caught my attention was where you said, “I’m concerned….” If you’re already having concerns about this relationship, this is not a situation you want to move into too quickly. For example, even though I knew Rick was to be my God-called husband, and he knew I was to be his God-called wife, we still had a time of engagement. And all three of our sons were engaged for at least one year before they married. Marriage is never something you rush into quickly!
This is especially the case when all you know about your potential husband is what he tells you about himself. Also, if I’m a friend of yours and he comes to dinner with us, he’s going to be on his best behavior, and you still won’t know exactly who he really is. Again, you have to know what you want. You don’t want to be pressured into making a decision — you want to make that decision out of a joyful and peaceful place in your heart. It’s also nice when you have your spiritual and biological mothers and fathers around you to have them in agreement with you about what you ought to do when deciding who to marry.
If you’re a believer, the Holy Spirit is inside you. According to John 16:13, the Bible says, “However, when he, the Spirit of truth, has come, He will guide you into all truth; for He will not speak on His own authority, but whatever He hears He will speak; and He will tell you things to come.” Notice where it says, “…He will guide you into all truth….” Ask yourself, How important do I think marriage is? It’s pretty important, right? These are just the kind of decisions the Holy Spirit wants to help you make — He wants to guide you into the truth!
Let me give you an example. Before I married Rick, another man came into my life. I never had anyone pay attention like that to me before, and as a young girl, I loved the attention! I also had this terrible skin condition at that time, but for some reason, this man thought I was pretty, showed me kindness, and displayed interest in me. However, the Holy Spirit spoke to me right away, saying, He is not the right one, but I didn’t want to listen to the Holy Spirit. For six months I refused to listen to Him, but I eventually got the courage to talk to that man and tell him I couldn’t continue the relationship.
Why am I telling you this story? Because the Holy Spirit, God the Father, cares about all your decisions and doesn’t want you to make a wrong decision, especially one as serious as this. He promised you through His Word that He will guide you, but you have to be humble enough to listen.
Practically speaking, I’d say to you about this person you don’t know very well: Do not move quickly. I can’t tell you what to do, but I think wisdom says, Don’t move too soon, and listen to your own heart. You already said this situation began to concern you, so do not ignore that! God is not trying to keep something from you, He’s trying to protect and bless you.
I know of a certain story about online dating. I don’t have anything against online dating, per se, but I know one woman who developed an interest in a man on the Internet, and he seemed like the greatest thing ever. He eventually came over to meet her, and when he did, she immediately knew he was crazy, and she ran from him as fast as she could.
You want to make rational decisions, even though you have emotions that could try to sway you about the choice you should make. But especially when you get married, you have to make a lot of rational decisions. Marriage is a commitment to that other person, whether you feel romantic or not. Life is real. People have problems, and when you marry someone, you’re bringing all your faults and shortcomings into the marriage, and your spouse is bringing all his faults and shortcomings into the marriage as well. A successful, healthy, and happy marriage takes a real commitment. So you must think about what you’re doing, put your emotions aside, listen to the Holy Spirit, and make a rational decision.
Discovering Ruth
Q: What advice would you give to a mother raising boys?
A: As a mother who has raised three sons into adulthood, I’ve learned a lot about child-raising — especially about boys — from my experience and the wisdom and guidance I received from the Lord. I adore my sons. All I wanted to do was to raise them right, but above all, I wanted our boys to learn to honor us.
The Bible says if children honor their mother and father, they will have a good, long life (see Exodus 20:12). This is what encouraged me to appropriately discipline my boys — because I wanted them to honor authority. I knew if they grew up honoring authority, according to the Bible, they would have good, long lives. I was also confident in disciplining without anger. I rarely got angry when disciplining my boys because I knew they were only little children who just needed a bit of gentle correction and instruction to get back on track.
Another thing about raising boys is to simply enjoy them! Children are amazing! Don’t get angry if they track mud through the house or present you with a creature they found while playing outside. By nature, children are curious, so let them enjoy their discovery of rocks, twigs, snakes, and lizards and embrace their precious curiosity! We’ve had creatures, plants, and rocks of all sorts in our home because we wanted our children to enjoy nature and embrace their curiosity. And we embraced it too!
The most important thing to instill in your sons, and in any child, is to show respect to their father. Whether you realize it or not, your own actions are building an image of their father in their minds. If you and your spouse disagree, you should discuss it privately and not in front of your children. They are looking to you as an example of how to behave and interact — whether you respect or disrespect your husband will determine the amount of respect in your children’s relationship with their father.
I want to tell you about a time in my life when my choices toward Rick affected the way my sons viewed him and his involvement in the ministry. At the beginning of our ministry, we had our oldest son, Paul, Philip was just a baby, and Joel wasn’t born yet. The four of us traveled in a car together as a family, and I was ministering with Rick — it was such a joyful time! I didn’t care how small the car was because we were together, and that was what was important to me. But eventually, as our ministry grew, Rick suggested it was time for me to stay home with the children. Joel was about two years old at the time, so I stayed home to take care of him, Philip, and Paul.
Now that I was a stay-at-home mome, it seemed that all I did was drive Rick to and from the airport! And because of how our ministry was growing, he would sometimes be gone for a week or more at a time. He would leave, return home for a few days, and leave again. After a while of this, I began developing an attitude, and I’d think to myself, I didn’t marry you to be apart from you! I secretly became angry on the inside without being able to discern exactly why I got so angry. I’d be angry when Rick got home and when it was time for him to leave, I’d get angry all over again.
If there was enough time between Rick leaving and coming home, my heart would settle, but as soon as I knew he was coming, I’d get angry yet again. I couldn’t figure out what was going on inside of me. All I knew was that I didn’t like being separate from Rick or being left alone — I wanted to be with him.
One day I was seeking the Lord, and He directed me to Isaiah 54:2, which says, “Enlarge the place of your tent, and let them stretch out the curtains of your dwellings; do not spare; lengthen your cords, and strengthen your stakes.” When I saw this verse, the Holy Spirit kindly but firmly opened my eyes to two sets of attitudes I could choose to embody as a wife and mother. He said, Here is one set: anger, resentment, rejection, and depression; and here is another set: joy, peace, patience, and pride for your husband. You have to choose! So to the best of my ability — and I didn’t do it perfectly — I chose to embody that second set of attitudes. I stopped crying and getting angry and started having pride for my husband and his work in the ministry.
Little did I know, this decision to stop giving place to anger and to start showing reverence and having pride and respect for my husband had a profound impact on my boys. Many years later, my son Paul paid me such a precious compliment during an interview. The interviewer said, “Your dad was gone a lot while you were young. Why is it that you don’t resent the ministry since the ministry is what took time with your father away?” Paul replied, “I have to say it was because of my mom.”
You see, in the privacy of my bedroom, I made that choice to change my attitude. But I had no idea how the impact of that choice would do something so amazing in my sons and affect their attitudes toward their father for the rest of their lives. That is why I placed so much importance on honoring my husband, and I urge you to do the same!
If you make choices that honor your husband and lift up his image in the eyes of your sons and daughters, you’re doing your children a tremendous service — a service that will stick with them through their childhoods, and instill the priceless attribute of respect and honor that, according to Exodus 20:12, will bring and them long and happy lives.
Discovering Ruth
Q: What advice would you give mothers with young children about how they can spend time in the Word and prayer?
A: Every mother knows that once her young child is awake in the morning, that child needs her undivided attention almost every minute of the day. One answer to finding time in the Word of God and prayer is to make the time before your children are awake. But for new mothers who are busy feeding their children or nursing and rocking their babies, there’s no reason why you can’t rock your baby while praying in other tongues or thinking about a scripture that’s been on your heart.
The key is, you have to do it on purpose. Most of the cares of the household and child-raising falls on mothers. You have to choose on purpose to do something to renew your mind with God’s Word (see Romans 12:2). Another reason for this is, if you don’t renew your mind while raising your children, there’s no overflow in your own heart and life to give to them.
Your flesh will make excuses for not spending quality time with the Lord. So you must decide you’re going to fit the Word and prayer time into your day, and you must do it on purpose.
If your spirit is being fed the Word of God every day, you’ll have something to give to others, including your children. For example, reading the Bible to your children is so important, as well as sharing with them what certain verses mean to you. And even before your children are born, you can read to your child who’s in your womb. And you can put your hand over your baby — because that baby can hear you — and speak the Word of God to him or her. You just have to do it on purpose; otherwise, you’ll wait until it’s too late in the day when you’re too tired, and your mind will make excuses.
If you don’t make the Word and prayer a priority in your life on purpose, it simply won’t happen.
Discovering Ruth
Q: The Bible tells us in Proverbs 14:1 that as women, we are to build up our homes. What are the best ways to successfully build up your home?
A: According to Proverbs 14:1, you must have wisdom to build your home. It says, “The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish pulls it down with her hands.” The major difference between a wise woman and a foolish woman is that a wise woman takes instruction. Foolish people don’t want correction, instruction, or wisdom, but the wise value all these things.
Personally, I know I didn’t always do everything right as I aimed to build up my house. But I was constantly looking for someone who knew more than me. I would watch those godly women — women I was very privileged to be around — and I would think about how I could apply the spiritual and emotional fruit I saw in them to my own actions, choices, and lifestyle.
When I started to get serious about marriage and building up my home, I began reading books, studying the Word, and submitting myself to that knowledge — because if you have knowledge, but you don’t submit yourself to it, that knowledge does you no good!
The book of James tells us what happens when we don’t practice this kind of submission. It says:
For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man observing his natural face in a mirror; for he observes himself, goes away, and immediately forgets what kind of man he was. But he who looks into the perfect law of liberty and continues in it, and is not a forgetful hearer but a doer of the work, this one will be blessed in what he does.
— James 1:23-27
In other words, if you look at yourself in the mirror and say, “Oh, I see what I need to improve on,” but you walk away and don’t do anything about it, you’re worse off than someone who doesn’t look in the mirror at all. You should continually look into the “mirror” of God’s Word and act on what you see. When you do that, you’re going to gain wisdom.
It’s difficult to look at His Word on a consistent basis and not change! As you put in the work and you’re a doer of the Word you behold, the Lord will teach you how to build up your home. If that’s what you’re longing for, that is what He’s going to give you. The key is to be like the wise woman because the wise woman is seeking out ways to do what she longs for.
Discovering Ruth
Q: How can I have longevity in the ministry without becoming “burned out?”
A: There is only one way you can maintain longevity in the ministry without feeling “burned out,” and it’s directly related to your time with the Lord. Spending time with the Lord is the only way to prevent yourself from becoming burned out in the ministry (or in any profession), in your relationships, or just in life.
During my time with the Lord this morning, I was reminded of Luke 10. In this chapter, Martha welcomed Jesus into her home. While Martha was anxious about preparing food to serve Jesus, Mary sat at Jesus’ feet, listening to Him speak. Noticing this, Martha approached the Lord and said, “…‘Lord, do You not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Therefore tell her to help me’” (v. 40). And Jesus replied, “…‘Martha, Martha, you are worried and troubled about many things. But one thing is needed, and Mary has chosen that good part, which will not be taken away from her’” (v. 41,42).
When people teach Luke 10, most say, “Oh, Mary, she is the precious one and Martha is the anxious one.” But I don’t see it like that at all. If you look at verse 39, it indicates that Martha, at one point, did sit at the feet of Jesus. It says, “And she had a sister called Mary, who also sat at Jesus’ feet and heard His word.” So Martha sat at the feet of Jesus. But because of life — and life happens to us all — cares, problems, and situations come. These issues of life come to all of us — we can get anxious, distracted, and therefore burned out. The only answer to this problem is found in what Jesus says to Martha in verse 41. He gave her an invitation when He said to her, in effect, “Come here, Martha! Put the potatoes down. Your favorite fig recipe will be okay. Sit down for just a minute. You only need one thing, and that one thing is ME.”
As I was thinking about this story this morning, I realized, All I need is to hear from Him! When you hear from Him, you won’t get burned out because your actions will come from a place of receiving from Him. If you do get burned out, it’s usually because you’re doing too much yourself. But if you stay in that place of hearing from the Lord, you are drawing from an eternal source!
There’s another wonderful passage on this topic of becoming “burned out” in Matthew 11:28-30, in which Jesus says, “‘Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”
Notice Jesus doesn’t say, “Well, I’m burdened down. I’m going to burn out!” He says, “My yoke is easy.” So if you’re burdened down, that is something you’ve taken on yourself because the Bible says His yoke is easy and His burden is light. That is how Jesus wants life to be like for you! Longevity in the ministry, or in any area of life, comes back to drawing from the Source, Jesus Christ.
Discovering Ruth
Q: For a young woman starting in the ministry, how can she best support her husband and build up her home?
A: Those are really big things in life — starting your ministry, supporting your husband, building your home, and taking care of your children. But usually, they come in seasons instead of all at once because each one of those things, but especially raising children, is a demanding responsibility. So you might find yourself in a season when you’re helping your children and doing your best to support your husband — but as far as your ministry goes, you might only be able to do a little bit in that season.
That’s how it was for me. I wanted to do all those things — marriage, family, and ministry. But my children needed me. And although I wanted to travel in the ministry and be with my husband, there was a time when I needed to be home.
That kind of conflict always reveals things inside you that need a touch from God, and that was certainly true for me. What often happens is, you decide you’re going to do what’s best and support your husband by supporting your children at home — but you don’t always feel supported yourself, and there will be times when it’s not always what you want to do.
But making hard decisions to take responsibility and do the right thing is preparing your for ministry! When you are taking care of your children or supporting your husband — and sometimes that includes forgiving your husband for not understanding the depth of your sacrifice — you are doing whatever it takes, and it’s not wasted time at all. God is building you, and when the time comes for you to step out in the ministry, you’ll really have something to give.
Just because someone wants to be in the ministry, and she thinks that’s the spiritual thing to do, doesn’t mean she has what God wants her to have to give to others. It’s when you go through some things and learn some things from Him, including what it means to sacrifice, that’s when you’ll really have something to give in the ministry.