Advice For Engaged Son

Discovering Ruth Q & A

Q:  My son is engaged to a girl from church but our relationship with her did not work out in view of her character. And I want it to work out in view of her character and I want it to be completely different. Please give advice.

A:  Well, I can’t tell you what to do, but I can at least tell you my experience.

When I got married, my character was not what it is now. I loved the Lord with all my heart and I certainly loved my husband and I loved people. But I had other things that needed to be checked.

Now my precious mother in law was someone who would write cards to everybody. Not just thank you cards, but birthday cards, condolence cards, she would send all kinds of cards! I wasn’t someone who sends cards.

In America, it’s tradition to send thank you cards after you get married to those who you received gifts from. However this was over 40 years ago. Well, for all the presents that we got, I didn’t send a single thank you card. I thanked them at the wedding but I never sent them a card.

But my mother in law was perfect at this. She could have judged me. And her house was perfect! My house was not! God had to do some work with me! So, what I’m saying is, be patient, just love this girl. Matthew 7:12 says, “Whatever you want men to do to you, do also to them.”

So if you want your daughter in law to receive you, you also should receive her.

But I want to give you some wisdom. Your son is not marrying you. He’s marrying her. This is their life together and you want them to be happy. That’s the most important thing.

In fact I made a rule for myself to know the perfect daughter-in-law: She loves Jesus and she loves my son.

You didn’t raise her! She came from a different family! All my daughter-in-laws came from Russia and I wasn’t raised by Russian parents. So there will be things between the two of you that you may not understand. But one thing you can understand is loving each other.

The Gift of Tongues for Prophecy

Discovering Ruth Q & A

Q: Do I understand that speaking in tongues is given to any believer for his personal prayer life and the gift of tongues is for prophecy in the church and is not given to everyone? If this is so, how is it possible to receive the gift of tongues?

A:  You are absolutely correct. I want you to look in 1 Corinthians 14.

It says, “pursue love and desire spiritual gifts, but especially that you may prophesy.”

Now, first of all, I want you to look at the words “desire spiritual gifts.” 

I’ve said this before, as you know, my husband is a Greek scholar. I’ve heard him teach the Bible a few thousand times in over four decades. And this word “desire” is like a STRONG desire. It’s not like “well, you know, I could if I wanted to” it’s a position of the heart. You have to want the Lord to use you. And to speak words that will benefit the church and be a blessing. It’s a desire. 

And you see, it says pursue love. Love is the highest, and immediately it says, desire spiritual gifts. So we are to pursue love, and love as much as possible. It’s a desire to love better, forgive faster, be more patient, stay positive. 

Those are all characteristics of love and we are to pursue that! Our selfish nature tends to ask not how we can love others, but how can they love us. We’re born with this! Think of a little tiny baby, they command the attention of the whole house. Why? Because the baby isn’t getting what it wants. 

We sometimes do this as adults too. We start to command that attention. That is our fallen nature. But the Bible says in Romans 5:5, that when we got born again, the Holy Spirit came in, and He came in with the very love of God. Into our heart. We are equipped to love one another. 

The Apostle Paul  even writes and says to pursue love. Pursue peace! In that scripture, pursue is used as a hunting term. So, you hunt down peace. Now I have some friends and they are hunters. They do the most ridiculous things. They’ll dress in certain clothes so they look like a tree, sit in a tree for hours, so that they can shoot an animal. They are after that animal! This word says pursue love like a hunter. But then it says, desire spiritual gifts. 

Now, why would you desire spiritual gifts? The Bible says when you speak in tongues you edify yourself, give thanks to God well, and your spirit prays. 

So why would the Apostle Paul say pursue love, hunt it down, and desire spiritual gifts? Because spiritual gifts build one another up! When someone moves in a spiritual gift, it opens the door. When we desire it, it opens the door for each of us to receive something special from the Lord. 

When the Holy Spirit operates, He always glorifies Jesus, He always brings the will of Jesus. And it opens up our hearts more to experience Jesus. That’s why we should desire spiritual gifts, and have a heart position to want them. Desire is an action!

My Husband is wrong. What should I do?

Discovering Ruth Q & A

Q: How to behave if it is clear that the spouse is wrong, and is mistaken in beliefs or decisions?

A: Well, I really have no Idea. 

But I do want to say, if your husband is making a decision that is illegal or immoral, that needs your attention. Because that’s going to affect you. You have power in prayer, and the Bible says in Proverbs 14:1 that a wise woman builds up her house with her hands. 

This is one of those situations where you need wisdom. And when you move in wisdom, your decisions can help build up your home. Even if your husband is making a wrong decision. 

And I mean serious wrong decisions, illegal or immoral. But you have power in prayer and with the wisdom God can give you. 

Now, one thing is really important, as you seek the Lord about this problem, maybe he wants you to talk to your husband. But I want to tell you it’s not just you telling him exactly what you think. Look with me to Ephesians 4:32 . There is a very powerful instruction for us. It says, “Be ye kind to one another, tenderhearted, and forgiving one another, even as God, for Christ sake, has forgiven you.” But do you see, it says be kind to one another, we need to speak to one another truthfully. 

We’re supposed to speak truth, but it matters how you speak. Speak kindly from your heart. You don’t want to do it with blaming, fear, and resentment. You want to do it with rationale, unemotional and with kindness. 

If you need to write down what you want to say, write it down. This situation calls for prayer and thought. And it calls for God’s direction. Your relationship is precious to God. And if you’re afraid your husband is making the wrong decision, immoral or illegal, you need to invite the presence of the Holy Spirit into the midst of this problem. And say “Holy Spirit, I need your help.” If you say those words, He comes with His help.

Dating

Discovering Ruth Q & A

Q: I met a man with a large age difference. He is 30 years older than me. We realized that we have feelings for each other. Is that okay for a believer? I want everything to be according to God’s word.

A:  Of course, you can marry someone with a big difference in your age. 

The question for getting married is not about age. It’s about what God’s leading you to do. What is the Holy Spirit speaking to your heart? I know one couple where the wife is 25 years younger than the husband and they have a wonderful marriage. 

But you also have to look at this realistically. When you’re 40 he’ll be 70.  Or 30 and 60. But there’s no scripture in the Bible that says there should or shouldn’t be a big difference between you and your spouse. 

It’s important to understand they’re going to be older than you and you’re still going to be in your prime. You just have to look at it realistically and decide. 

Make sure you have peace in your heart. Marriage is a beautiful thing! It’s an institution that God created and the way that you love and treat one another, you can have beautiful years together. 

I just pray right now that God gives you wisdom and confirmation through the Holy Spirit.

Spiritual Development

Discovering Ruth Q & A

Q: What qualities are important for a wife to develop, whose husband leads a church and large ministry?

A:  We’re going to get some counsel from the word of God!

History says that Bathsheba, who was the queen, David’s wife, was who wrote Proverbs 31! This was her advice to Solomon on who he should choose as a wife. 

So we can find a lot of wisdom here. So, we’re going to start with verse 11. It says “The heart of her husband safely trusts her so he will have no lack of gain and she does him good and not evil all the days of her life.” 

This woman in a high position, to do this, she’s got to have some inner decisions about her character. She has to decide to forgive. If you’re good to someone all the days of your life, especially your husband. 

It takes forgiveness to be good to your husband all the days of your life. The Bible says we’re all tempted the same way. It’s easy to get tempted to fear, get angry, judge, criticize, hate, be intimidated, discouraged, disappointed. So in that way, I want to say, whether you’re in a position where your husband has a big ministry or you’re serving your children or your family at home and nobody sees you. We’re all tempted the same way and we’re going to have to make decisions to forgive and do good all the days of our life. 

I think we’re all tempted to complain at times. So, the opposite of complaining is being thankful. Then I want to go over one more thing, let’s go to verse 25. It says “Strength and honor are her clothing and she will rejoice in times to come.” This woman who is in a high position and her husband as well, it was important to her to have this character. 

No matter who you are, your husband needs your positive attitude. He needs your support and positive attitude! Another thing that is important is “She opens her mouth with wisdom and on her tongue is the law of kindness.” 

No matter what your husband does as you said, whether he’s a leader or not. You still have to discipline your own mouth. And learn to put the law of kindness in your mouth. That’s important for everybody. And I think it’s going to require a lot of prayer. It’s important to God. He will lead you and guide you.

Bible Verses for Life

Discovering Ruth Q & A

Q: 2 Timothy 3:16 says: All scripture is written by inspiration of God and useful for teaching for reproof for instruction in righteousness. Pastor Denise, please explain how all the verses can be useful to everyone equally for instruction? After all, everyone’s situation is different and how do you practically benefit personally by studying it?

A:  The Bible was written for everyone because the Bible says, about itself, it’s a lamp unto our feet. 

I know that, most every time I go to bed, my husband is already in bed, he goes to bed really early. So I come in with my cellphone, not with the flashlight, but just touching it so it brings light. And I shine that light on the floor because I don’t want to wake him but I can see a little. 

But the Bible is a light unto your path! It has answers for every one of us. Romans 12:2 says, “and do not be conformed to this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind that you may prove what is good and acceptable in the perfect will of God.” So you see, for us, the temptation is to be like everyone else in this world. Think like the world, be in unforgiveness and bitterness and fear.

But the Bible says, we’re not to be conformed to this world. We’re not to think like this world. There’s a higher way of thinking. It’s God’s word. Listen to this scripture! Be transformed by  the renewing of your mind. So when we read His word, we are renewing our mind to the truth. 

Years ago I would feel this condemnation all the time. I knew I was christian but I just felt like if I wasn’t doing every single thing right, that God still loves me, but I wasn’t sure if He accepted me. 

But that’s just like religion. That we’re trying to make ourselves acceptable. That’s what the world thinks. 

But Christianity is that he came for us in our horrible sinful state. It’s not about us trying to get to him, he’s already come to us. But we have to open our hearts. 

But how are you going to know that, how was I going to get free of this wrong thinking? It was the word of God! It changed me! This one verse changed me, Romans 3:26 “ to demonstrate at this present time his righteousness, that he might be just, and the justifier of him who believes on Jesus.” 

You see, I believe on Jesus but I didn’t know I was righteous. Through the blood of Jesus God already made me acceptable. But I didn’t know that and it was through the love of God that we read in Romans chapter twelve that transforms our mind to think like God.

 So your question is how to practically benefit personally by studying the Bible. You’re going to know the good and acceptable and perfect will of God!

Fear of Death

Discovering Ruth Q & A

Q:  What do I do when the fear of death haunts me? How do I free myself from that fear?

A:  It is important to realize that for Christians, fear is never from God. Our assurance and comfort come from what is written in the Bible.

When Jesus died and went to hell for us and conquered death, not only did He conquer death for Himself, He also conquered it for you and me! Jesus removed the sting of death and for the Christian, death is like moving to a new address.

The Bible says that through the power of the Holy Spirit, we have a deposit of Heaven on the inside of us right now! Christ in YOU, the hope of glory!

Overcoming fear is not about what we can figure out in our brain; it is about what God has given us through His Word and believing that His Word is true. We are given the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. If you are born again, when you breathe your last breath, your body will just lay there; but the real you, your spirit, will go straight to Heaven! The Bible says, to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord.

It is so important to get scriptures into your heart and mind. Fear wants to hold you in a place of believing a lie. What defeats the lie is believing the Truth.

All who are joined to the Lord through the new birth are one in spirit! Your body is a tabernacle, a house. This flesh is your house, but the real you is your spirit and will live forever and ever with Jesus! You are not your own, you were bought with a price.

First Corinthians 6:20 says, “For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God’s.” Your body is a house for the Holy Spirit and the Holy Spirit lives in your human spirit!

I hope that you are encouraged by this answer because I remember a time when I was a little bit afraid of death. I understand what you are feeling. But once I learned what the Bible teaches us about death, that fear completely left! The Bible says His people perish for lack of knowledge. It is so important for us to know what the Bible teaches or we will begin believing the lies of the devil.

If you will take hold of this truth, the spirit of fear will have no place in your life!

Honoring One Another

Discovering Ruth Q & A

Q:  What does it mean to honor someone above yourself?

A:  Philippians 2:3 says, “Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than themselves.”

This scripture contains incredible direction for us. It is not a suggestion.

When I first heard your question, I thought about marriages. We are all tempted, in our human flesh, to only think about ourselves. The Word of God teaches us to think of others as better than himself.

Esteeming others, which is putting others first above our own wants and desires, is such a great position to hold, especially in marriage. In marriage, we can tend to selfishly think, “Okay, you are supposed to make me happy in this relationship.” This mindset can often happen in new marriages. Many young couples who get married tend to think, “You need to put me first,” and have the attitude “It’s all about me,” but this verse is saying to put the other person first.

Instead of thinking about what your spouse can do for you, you need to think about what you can do for them.

Years ago I had my own complaints and thought, “Oh, if only Rick would do this and that,” but you know what came across my mind? “Denise, you’re not thinking about Rick, you’re thinking about you.” I was being selfish! This scripture is definitely telling us to think about the other person first.

Don’t try to be right all of the time! Don’t always have to have the last word. That kind of attitude is all about you; it’s not about you preferring that other person!

That is what this word in Philippians 2:3 is saying. And the Word of God is not trying to condemn us. This instruction is to help us in our relationships.

Practice having the heart attitude that says, “I will prefer you over me. I will hold back what I really want to say and yield to you.” That is you preferring the other person! That’s you moving in the love of God, and that is powerful!

What’s really more important? That you be right or that you have peace in your relationships?

Friend, God’s ways are right and they always work!

Why Are We Strong in Our Weaknesses?

Discovering Ruth Q & A

Q:  Why does the Bible say we are strong in our infirmities if Jesus has already taken all things upon Himself? 

A:  The Bible says in Second Corinthians 4:7, “But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us.” We have treasure and power on this earth, but it’s not found in our earthen vessels. 

In other words, this verse is telling us that even though we may feel weak at times, we can say, “Even in my weakness, He is made strong.” We aren’t trusting in our faults and weaknesses, but in our strength — God within us! 

I’m weak, but I’m not going to concentrate on my weaknesses. I’m going to concentrate on the Lord’s strength within me. 

God said to Paul in Second Corinthians 12:9, “And He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness….’”

The Bible thinks about weakness in one way, but the world thinks of weakness in another way. 

The Bible says if you give it will be given back to you, but the world says if you give, you’re going to lose. The Bible says if you give mercy, you’ll receive mercy. But the world says if you give mercy, you’ll be trampled on and taken advantage of. The world says if you’re weak, you’re only getting weaker. But the Bible says that in your weakness, the Lord’s strength is made perfect. When you’re weak and trust in Him, you find that His strength is perfect — it’s always exactly what you need!

Second Corinthians 12:9 continues, “…Therefore, most gladly, I will rather boast in my infirmity that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”

There have been times when I felt ill and weakened. These are times when the enemy says, “Oh, you really messed up now! It’s all your fault. It’s not going to work out.” The enemy comes to accuse, right? When I know the enemy is accusing me, I say, “I boast in my weakness in order that the power of Christ would rest in me.” 

When you take a stand against those accusations and trust in the Lord’s perfect strength, you’re turning to Him. He is the One with the answers! He doesn’t pressure you to figure everything out. He’s saying, “Come to Me as you are, and I will give you strength.” 

Jesus said in Matthew 11:28, “Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” You are not cursed because you’re weak — your weakness is a place where the Lord’s perfect strength can come through you!

Debunking the Gossipers

Discovering Ruth Q & A

Q: What do you do if a church member is gossiping and your pastor doesn’t address it or even approves of this behavior?

A: The very first thing you do in such a situation is to forgive. It is absolutely a fact.

Gossiping within a congregation is a detriment to the church, and you’re not just imagining it or being paranoid. Maybe you see a group of people talking, and you believe they’re talking about you, but you’re really not sure what they’re actually talking about. But if you actually know they’re gossiping about you, you have to forgive.

The last thing you want is to have offense living in and taking root in your heart. I want to tell you about an example of this from my own life. Many, many years ago, one of my relatives whom I deeply respected and loved so much started spreading a rumor — a lie — about me. 

The reason I know about this rumor is that she talked to a relative, that relative went to tell another relative, and then that relative told the rumor to my sister. How do rumors get spread? Because one person tells another, who tells another, and pretty soon everyone is aware of this made-up lie, participating in a transmission of gossip. And that’s what happened to my relatives in my own family! 

When my sister heard about this rumor, she came to me — she called me “Niecy” — and said, “Niecy, do you know what they’re saying about you?” I said, “Trula, I don’t know what you’re talking about.” So she proceeds to tell me this lie. It accused me of something immoral, which I was in no way guilty of. When she told me the rumor, I thought, Oh, Trula, that’s just ridiculous! I even started laughing. 

But when I really thought about this cruel lie being spread about me by my family, I wondered, How could they? I love them so much. How could they talk about me this way and believe this? I began to get hurt. It felt as if I was trapped in a cage.  I was only in my twenties, and I felt completely trapped in a birdcage because of this vicious rumor. 

I pictured the rounded bars and the small perch inside. I thought, I’m in that cage. 

I said to the Lord, “Lord, this really hurts.” He said to me, “You have to forgive.” And by faith, I forgave them. And I really forgave them. 

Forgiveness always opens the door to Heaven. I was so completely free! 

A few short months later, I was at a gathering with all the relatives who had participated in spreading that rumor about me. My sister looked at me and said, “Are you going to go up to them?” And I said, “Of course!” So I went to be with them. 

I was absolutely free. And that was the end of it! 

When you give forgiveness, you’re the one with power. Not the enemy trying to stir up feelings of unforgiveness and bitterness. These are the things that keep you trapped inside that birdcage. Forgiveness is an act of love, and love covers a multitude of sins. 

Watching people gossip within your church community and even seeing the pastor take it lightly can be troubling, but what I suggest to you is to forgive them. Let them go! 

Ask God what the real truth is. Because when you forgive, peace will enter your heart and you will be set free. You’ll be able to hear the truth from God, not from your heart.