Can I Forgive Without Reconciliation?
Discovering Ruth Q & A
Q: The person who abused me is not remorseful and avoids contact with me. What does forgiveness mean in such a situation, where reconciliation is not possible and guilt is not recognized?
A. A lot of times when someone hurts or offends you, you can just settle it in your own heart.
You don’t have to say anything to anybody except the Lord: “Lord, I’m coming to You with this. Forgive me, Lord, for having bad thoughts about that person. I forgive them and release them to You.”
That prayer is between you and Jesus, and that’s just fine. You see, when someone really hurts us, we can get so caught up in those feelings that we forget that our feelings and the contents of our hearts are between us and God — nobody else is responsible.
In fact, Ephesians 4:32 says, “And be kind one to another, tenderhearted, and forgiving one another. Even as God through Christ has forgiven you.” It doesn’t say anything about the person who hurt you. It’s an instruction to us, that we keep our own hearts tender, and that we forgive as we’ve been forgiven.
In fact, sometimes we need to do more than just forgive them. Sometimes we hold onto those feelings, and they cause us to sin against the person who hurt us. I’ve counseled many women in marriage, and I’ve heard several amazing stories where a wife whose husband had hurt her or cheated on her was able to come to him and say, “Forgive me for how I’ve hated you in my heart and for how I’ve talked about you. I was wrong in those things. Please, forgive me.”
What is so amazing is that, more than once, that act of humble repentance opens up the door for the husband to say, “Why are you asking my forgiveness? I should be asking for that from you!”
Friend, forgiveness opens the door for God to move in our relationships. I’ve seen broken relationships restored. I’ve even seen divorced couples get back together because someone was able to admit where she was wrong and humbly ask for forgiveness — even from the person who had hurt her.
I know that sounds hard, and it is, but it’s not something we are expected to do in our own willpower. It’s not possible because we’re so good and wonderful — it’s possible because we have God’s power on the inside.
Friend, you can’t change that person who hurt you. You’re not responsible for whether or not they apologize or even feel guilty about what they did, but what you can do is say, “Lord, Your love is on the inside of me. You call me to forgive, and I submit, Lord. I recognize the power that you’ve given me on the inside.”
All that you’re responsible for your own heart, and He has already given you what you need to take care of that.
Have I Truly Forgiven?
Discovering Ruth Q & A
Q: Has a person truly forgiven if she keeps remembering the evil done to her?
A. I’m grateful for your question, because forgiveness is so important to God.
We see it in Matthew 6:14-15 when Jesus says, “For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.”
In Mark 11, Jesus talks about faith that can even make a mountain move, and in the middle of that, He reminds us, “And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him, that your Father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses” (Mark 11:25). Clearly this matters to Him.
Now, if you have already forgiven but still find yourself remembering the things you forgave, then I want to give you an encouragement and a warning.
First of all, just because you remember it doesn’t mean that you’re in unforgiveness. You can truly forgive a person and still remember the wrong things they did sometimes. Sometimes it’s even the enemy working to bring those thoughts to your memory.
What you need to worry about isn’t that you are getting reminded of these things but that you are not dwelling on them. When those thoughts come into your mind, you can start to think, “Oh, that’s right. I forgot that. I can’t even believe they did that. Why am I still so good and kind to that person?”
When you start rolling those thoughts over in your mind, then you put yourself in a place, even though you’ve already forgiven, where you are opening the door to unforgiveness again.
What you need to do is just keep shutting that door. When those thoughts come, you can say, “No! I set that person free, and I’m not listening to the devil’s thoughts. He is the accuser of the brethren, so I’m not listening to him!” You can instead choose to pray for that person who wronged you and bless them with your actions. You can pray, “God, don’t punish that person. Release them from that sin. In fact, bless them, Lord.”
God has given us the equipment to do that, so we do not have to lay victim to the unforgiveness and bitterness trying to rise back up in our hearts!
Can I Help My Husband Desire the Lord?
Discovering Ruth Q & A
Q: How can I pray for my husband so that he longs for God and is not spiritually cold?
A. That is a great question, and the Bible has wisdom for us on this subject, but the answer is actually not about what or how you pray.
To see what I’m talking about, consider 1 Peter 3:1-2, which says, “Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives, when they observe your chaste conduct accompanied by fear.”
This verse is talking all about winning your husband to the Lord, but what it talks about isn’t prayer at all — what is most important is your conduct. It is true that you can pray for your husband, but this verse says that your lifestyle is the most powerful thing you have to lead him to God.
I have been counseling women for more than 15 years, and I can tell you that it is so important for us as wives to know when to keep our mouths shut. When you try to preach to your husband, correct your husband, or change your husband, none of it works — you waste your energy and end up feeling more and more disappointed.
Instead of getting dragged down by all those negative feelings and creating strife in your marriage, you can trust in what this scripture says. It is so clear that your husband will be won without a word.
Friend, this should be such a relief, because I’m sure many of us know that our husbands are not always listening to us. But this verse says, “when they observe your chaste conduct accompanied by fear.” Your husband might not be listening, but he is definitely watching you, so you don’t have to be frustrated — just make sure he’s seeing the right things.
Of course you need to pray that he will live for and desire the Lord, but the way you live is what will be so powerful in making those prayers manifest. How you love, how you serve, how you take care of your home, and how you take care of yourself — this is the equipment that God says you should use.
Why Am I Lonely in Church?
Discovering Ruth Q & A
Q: Why do some Christians, despite the support and community of the church, feel lonely and unhappy? What internal contradictions or personal difficulties might be behind this?
A. We might not realize it, but sometimes loneliness is just coming from inside of us.
When I was a young woman, I was going to this huge church in Huston, Texas, and I can remember a moment when I was standing in that church with hundreds of people standing around me — and I felt so alone. I thought, “Denise, look at all these people. Why are you so lonely?”
You see, I had people around me, but I was afraid. I didn’t know a soul in that church, and I could have stayed in that same situation — feeling sorry for myself, staying inside of myself — but I had to make the decision to step out instead. I thought, “You know what? I’m going to serve. I’m going to serve somewhere in this church.” So I joined the choir, and I started getting to know people.
Friend, you’ve got to be careful about what you decide to believe about yourself. The Bible says “For as he thinks in his heart, so is he” (Proverbs 23:7). If I had decided to believe, “I’m just a lonely person,” then I wouldn’t have stepped out of myself — and chances are that in that big, big church, nobody else would’ve come up to me and said, “Oh, you look so lonely. You look like you need a friend.” Sometimes that happens, but most of the time it doesn’t, so I would have just stayed lonely.
And we aren’t the only ones who lose when we stay in ourselves. When you don’t reach out to others, the gifts and talents you have never get given out to them. They never receive the blessing that you could have been to them.
For a long time, I was afraid to give what the Lord had put in me, but then I heard someone say, “If you don’t give what you have, what is going to happen to that person who needed what you have?” Of course, I didn’t want to hold back something good from somebody else, so I stepped past that barrier and started giving what I had.
Oh, friend, the Bible says that “the gifts and the calling of God are irrevocable” (Romans 11:29). That means that He never takes them back. God believes that what He gave you is so powerful that He says, “I gave that to her, and I’m not removing it.”
So if the gift is already there, then all you have to do is go humbly before God and say, “Lord, I’m going to do what you put in my hand to do.” Friend, I tell you, if you start doing that, you’re not going to be that lonely person anymore — you’re going to have a smile on your face as you serve those around you.
How Can I Be a Godly Parent?
Discovering Ruth Q & A
Q: How Can I Be a Godly Parent?
A. I want to start by saying that you want to be careful about controlling your children.
Even when they are little and need your guidance, you don’t want it just to be about controlling them. You want the reality to be that you’re using love to raise up a responsible child. If you’re still trying to control them when they’re 17 or 18, you’ll really have problems, because you’re either going to be disappointed or they’re going to submit to your control, and you will have stolen something from them.
That’s why we have to look to the Word of God. You will never be perfect, but I want to show you a few ways that you can make sure you are doing your best as a godly parent.
1: Speak the truth over your children
Friend, what you say is what you get.
If you say “My child is going to be difficult in her teenage years,” or “My child has so many problems that he’ll struggle to be anything,” then you’re going to start making decisions based on those beliefs, and your words and decisions will influence your children. All those hopeless things might actually come true — all because you prophesied them with your mouth!
But you don’t have to look at your children the way the world sees them. Look at your children through the Word of God. See that they’re a blessing to you (see Psalm 127:3), and declare that no weapon formed against them shall prosper (see Isaiah 54:17) and that the Lord will make them the head and not the tail (see Deuteronomy 28:13).
If you listen with your heart and speak with your mouth what God says about your children, then you can begin to declare their futures — not in a controlling way, but in a way that believes that no matter what path they take, they will love God, and He will take care of them.
2: Ask the Holy Spirit for help
Friend, if you lack wisdom as a parent, James 1:5 says, “…ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach.”
You see, if you’re born again, the Holy Spirit lives inside of you, and He is a teacher and a helper. When you don’t know what to do with your children, you can go to the Teacher and say, “I don’t know what to do here, but you’re my Helper, so help me.”
When you make that request of Him, you open the door for Him to come in and give you the wisdom to do what you need for your child.
3: Seek out sources of wisdom
Before I finish, I also want to remind you that there are many wonderful resources that you can make use of. Look to an older woman who has more experience than you do and let her speak into your life. Find good books about parenting or listen to preachers who speak on the subject — just make sure you are getting good knowledge! It will be worth it when your child grows up well because you took the time to search for the right answers.
Friend, God knows that being a parent is not easy, but He gives us so much help in the difficult places, so we never have to feel powerless as we raise our children.
Should I Demand My Money Back?
Discovering Ruth Q & A
Q: Two years ago, my sister borrowed a large sum from me. I had set that money aside to one day purchase a home, but she still hasn’t paid me back, and it’s hard for me to forgive her. Was it right of me to lend her the money? And now that she still hasn’t repaid it, do I have the right to claim it back?”
A. Thank you for your question. This is a very hard situation.
First of all, I want to remind you that Matthew 5:42 says, “Give to him who asks you, and from him who wants to borrow from you do not turn away.” The Bible is clear that even when people are not generous with us and won’t pay us back, we are called to be generous to them. That’s the way Jesus did it.
But of course, your situation is difficult because this is your sister. You gave her the money, and you probably believed that she’d keep her word, so maybe you’re disappointed now. Maybe you even have offense and bitterness in your heart towards your sister.
If that’s the case, then it is so important for you to look into your heart right now. You need to rationally look at the situation and ask yourself, “What’s more important to me? Is it the money or my sister? Do I need to let this go to keep my relationship with her?”
It’s not a fun discussion, and you may be saying to yourself, “But this just isn’t fair! That was my money, and I want to start building my house.”
Well you’re correct — it’s not fair, but our love is not tested until we are mistreated. Jesus said, “For if you love those who love you, what reward have you?” (Matthew 5:46). It’s easy to love people who love you and treat you right, but this situation is calling you up to a higher level in your love. And the Lord is going to help you in this. The Bible says in Romans 5:5 that the Holy Ghost has poured the love of God into our hearts, so you have the equipment for the situation.
I’m not saying that your sister is right or that she shouldn’t pay you back, but I want to make sure you are watching your own heart in the meantime. You’re not being treated right, so let this be a time when you look at yourself and ask, “Am I operating out of the love of God that’s in my heart? If my sister never pays me back, will I still be able to say that I love her and that I release her?”
Don’t let your heart be blocked with unforgiveness, friend. When you move in love instead, that is so powerful. It is more powerful than having all the money you need for your house, because when your heart is right and you love and forgive, God can do miracles! He can give you the money or peace or favor that you need and so much more.
What Do I Do with a Needy Husband?
Discovering Ruth Q & A
Q: My husband regularly distracts me during prayer or while I’m listening to sermons. He seems to be seeking my attention on purpose, and it is causing me to lose my spiritual focus. How can I explain to him the importance of my time with God?
A. I am so glad you asked this question, because just this week, I was reading 1 Corinthians 11, and I think it has a great answer for you.
1 Corinthians 11:7 says, “For a man indeed ought not to cover his head, since he is the image and glory of God; but woman is the glory of man.”
The first thing I want you to see here is that man is the image of the glory of God! Maybe this isn’t something you want to say to your husband, or maybe it’s something that he needs to hear from you, but whether you say it aloud or not, you need to have an attitude toward him that says, “Sweetheart, you are the image of glory of God.” That’s so important as you deal with your husband.
Now notice that this verse doesn’t say anything about if a man is saved or not saved, if he’s an alcoholic or a drug addict or not. It just says “man” — all men are the image of the glory of God.
Of course, the next part of this verse says, “but woman is the glory of man.” This is also important, because it tells you that you are very important to your husband. Verses 8 and 9 tell us more about this special place that a wife holds in the marriage relationship: “For man is not from woman, but woman from man. Nor was man created for the woman, but woman for the man.”
Ladies, there is great wisdom here about our relationships with our husbands. You see, women have an ability to work and operate on their own, without their husbands, but in my observation, men really need their wives. I’ve seen this with my husband — he wants me to be by him. If I’m gone, he wants to know when I’m getting back. He has a need for me.
Friend, that is perfectly normal, so when your husband is seeking your attention, don’t be so quick to resent or judge him. Don’t think to yourself, “Oh, he’s so needy. He can’t do anything without me,” or “He’s just bossing me around and trying to control me.” Instead recognize that there is something in him that causes him to need you. Like we just read, “Nor was man created for the woman, but woman for the man” (1 Corinthians 11:9).
With this attitude as your foundation, this is how you should handle it when your husband is distracting you from your time with the Lord. First of all, I would encourage you to sit down with him and watch church or read your Bible or pray together. You could also find times to do it when he’s not at home or when he’s sleeping so that you can have that time to yourself.
If it’s a problem that you really need to talk to him about, then just remember that he needs you. Look at his behavior from the perspective that you were made for him and that he needs you. Walk into that conversation with the decision that you are going to show your respect and love to him.
Once you are in that right mental space, then you can talk to him about it. In a calm, non-emotional way, you can gently and lovingly tell him, “Sweetheart, this is my only time to be able to watch this service. Would you allow me to watch this?” Don’t go into an argument or start blaming him or accusing him of not wanting you to watch church. That’s just going to cause conflict, and you want peace in your house, because the Holy Spirit works best where there is peace.
What if It’s Too Hard to Pray?
Discovering Ruth Q & A
Q: I understand that when times are difficult, we need to pray and praise God more than ever, but sometimes it’s not easy. When I try to pray during my struggles, I start shaking, and I can’t say a word. How can I overcome this barrier and find the words to pray when I need them most?
A. The first thing I want to encourage you with is that you have more power inside of you than you think.
If you’re born again, the third person of the Godhead lives on the inside of you, and He comes with so much power and wisdom that He will give to you in those difficult moments if you will just ask Him. That knowledge is an important foundation for our prayers when we are struggling.
The other thing I want to show you is an example from the Old Testament that I think will really instruct you. This is a story about David, before he was a king, and I really believe that this situation was the hardest thing that he faced.
While he and his men were on the run from King Saul, they made a home in this city called Ziklag, and that is where their families stayed when they were traveling. Well one day, the men came home to discover that the city had been burned down, and everything and everyone was gone!
Can you even imagine just losing everything like that — your children, your spouse, your home, and all your belongings just gone? Those men were just devastated. The Bible says they cried so much that they couldn’t cry anymore (1 Samuel 30:4).
What was even worse for David was that after losing everything, his men were starting to turn against him. It says in 1 Samuel 30:6, “Now, David was greatly distressed, for the people spoke of stoning him because the soul of the people was grieved, every man for his sons and daughters….” David had lost his children and wives and home, and now these men who he had given his life to for six or seven years were so grieved that they wanted to stone him!
Friend, the Bible tells us right there that David was greatly distressed about all these things. He really was, but look at how he responded in that distress: “…But David, strengthened himself in the Lord” (1 Samuel 30:6).
Before he ever attempted to pray, he first strengthened himself in the Lord. We aren’t told exactly what that means, but it makes me think of remembering. When we are in a difficult situation, remembering is so powerful, and it can absolutely strengthen us in the Lord. Maybe David was remembering when Goliath fell to the ground and David cut off his head. Maybe he was remembering being anointed by Samuel and the promise that came with that, so he could tell himself, “I’m not going to die an early death by stoning. I’m going to be a king!”
When you are struggling, you’ve got to remember what God has done. Before you ever even pray, just strengthen yourself in the memories of God’s promises, of His faithfulness and power in the past. Just stop and think, on purpose, about how good and faithful He’s been in all the times before. It says in Hebrews that God is the same yesterday, today, and forever (Hebrews 13:8). If He helped you before, then He hasn’t changed — He’s going to help you now.
Don’t forget, the Lord always meets us where we are. When you were still living in sin, He didn’t say, “Go clean yourself up and then you can get saved.” Instead He said, “Come as you are.” If you’re shaking and you can’t get any words out, come to Him anyway — He can handle your weakness. The next time you’re struggling, just ask him, “Jesus, help me. Help me.” When you say that, you open the door for His help. It all just starts with coming to Him and letting Him be our strength.
What Are Tithes For?
Discovering Ruth Q & A
Q: Is it possible to tithe to someone or something other than the church — for example, tithing to support a specific person, like a missionary in Africa?
A. To answer this question, we need separate tithes from offerings. You see, tithes specifically belong to the church or the place where you are being spiritually fed, but your offering is an additional contribution that can go to whoever God puts it on your heart to support.
It is important that we separate these things, because our tithing is so important to God. If you look at Malachi 3:10-11, you will see that He has such amazing promises for everyone who tithes:
“Bring all the tithes into the storehouse, that there may be food in My house, and try Me now in this,” Says the Lord of hosts, “If I will not open for you the windows of heaven and pour out for you such blessing that there will not be room enough to receive it. And I will rebuke the devourer for your sakes, so that he will not destroy the fruit of your ground, nor shall the vine fail to bear fruit for you in the field,” says the Lord of hosts.
God says right there that when we tithe, when we contribute to His house, He will pour out so much blessing that we won’t even be able to accept it all. Then in verse 11, He promises that you will not stand alone against the devourer. God will rebuke the devourer on your behalf — all because of your tithe!
This reminds me of a story from a friend of ours. He was having his children and grandchildren over one day, and they were all swimming in the pool and having fun, but all of a sudden, they realized they couldn’t find their little girl anywhere.
What had happened was that this little three-year-old had gone under water, and her hair got caught in the vent, so she was stuck and couldn’t come back up. When they finally found her and got her out of the water, she wasn’t breathing anymore. Of course, they did everything they could, and they called the emergency services, but there were just no signs of life.
As they were waiting for the ambulance to get there, the father of that little girl was holding her in his arms, and He started praying: “God, You are the rebuker of the devourer. I am a tither, God, and You said You would rebuke the devourer for those who tithe, so I call life into this baby.”
He claimed the promise of God, and he prayed it over his dead daughter, and when the emergency people came, they were confused. They said, “Where’s the person that we’re supposed to take?” They couldn’t tell, because that little girl was running around and playing again!
That’s what God promises for a tither, friend! He will pour out blessings, and He will rebuke the devourer and keep him away from our homes and our families. That is exactly what He says, so make sure that you are setting apart your tithe from your offerings and giving God what He deserves.
Can I Return to God’s Calling for Me?
Discovering Ruth Q & A
Q: A few years ago, I withdrew from God’s calling to me due to my fear of failure. Can I go back to this vocation and try again?
A. The answer is absolutely.
Romans 11:29 says, “For the gifts and the calling of God are irrevocable.” That means that even when God puts a gift inside of you and you don’t know how to obey and exercise that gift, He’s not going to say, “Oh, well, that’s it. I’m taking it back.” That is a part of Himself that He gave to you, so He’s not going to take it back.
We have to remember that God knows we’re made of flesh, He knows we’re made of dust, and He knows that it takes us some time to understand and trust. He also knows that sometimes, you might make a mistake, but He’s not worried about that, and neither should you be.
I always say that the person who’s making a mistake is at least moving. I’ve made mistakes, but I wouldn’t have made them if I was just sitting still, so they prove that I was really trying to do something. I’ll probably make more mistakes, and so will you, but we can’t let that stop us from giving out what God has put inside us.
You see, friend, these gifts aren’t just for us. The Bible says, “Let a man so consider us, as servants of Christ and stewards of the mysteries of God” (1 Corinthians 4:1). This means that we’re not just receiving this gift and letting it look pretty and decorative. No, it’s a responsibility. Being a steward is more like working in somebody else’s house. It’s their house, but the steward is taking care of it, and that is an active job. The Word says, “Heal the sick, cleanse the lepers, raise the dead, cast out demons. Freely you have received, freely give” (Matthew 10:8). It’s not your job to keep the gifts of God inside you — it’s your job to give them out!
This reminds me of an amazing evangelist named Kathryn Kuhlman. She would hold all these meetings, and the Holy Spirit would just flow into the room, and so many miracles happened, so many people being healed. I actually have a friend who went to one of her meetings as a little boy. He had a brain tumor, so his eyes were crossed, and he was in excruciating pain all the time. He didn’t even want to go to her meeting, but as he was sitting far off in the balcony, she said, “Ushers, bring that little boy down to me.” The second that she touched him, his eyes were normal, and all the pain was gone from his head.
The reason I’m telling you this is because this woman — who saw so many miracles at her own meetings — would pray before she ever went on stage. She would say every time, “Father, come with Your gifts. Come with Your power.” She recognized that all those miracles and gifts were not hers — they were from God.
I want you to remember these things, friend. First, the gifts inside of you are not for you. They are God’s gifts, and you are expected to use them for the people around you. Second, God is not going to take them from you. Religion is the voice that says, “If you don’t do it right, you don’t get it anymore.” But our God is not taking anything away. If you mess up, it doesn’t matter, because He gave it to you, and His gifts are irrevocable.